Should You Lie to a Dementia Patient?
Has your loved one or client asked about someone who died years ago and have no clue how to respond? Are they insisting they need to "go home" even though they haven't there in years?
Are you wanting to let go of the guilt of trying to decide to lie to them or tell them the truth? If this sounds like you, then this post is for you.
In this post, we are going to learn when you should tell someone with dementia your reality and when you shouldn't tell them so that you can sleep peacefully tonight knowing you are doing what is best for them.
Also as a thank you for spending your time bettering yourself as a caregiver, grab this cheatsheet: Dementia Activities Cheatsheet + Challenging Behaviors Cheatsheet
Why We Want to Tell the Truth:
As kids, we are taught to never lie and the idea of breaking that for those who we care for can bring on a LOT of guilt for a lot of caregivers.
In order to be able to take in "the truth" or current reality in general, you have to have an ability to take in new information and be able to hold on to that information.
When our folks have dementia, they can no longer do that. All they have are the memories they have left. So from now on, we should think of what they tell them as telling them a truth or a lie. Instead think of it as adjusting reality to them since they can no longer adjust to reality.
4 Things to Consider Other Than “The Truth”
When figuring out if you should tell them information about your reality vs going along with theirs, here are 4 things to consider:
1. Think about what answer would make the most sense to them in their current reality
2. Think of what is and isn't kind to say to them
3.The answer that will bring them the most peace in that moment
4. To remember that the person is your guide on how much you should or shouldn't tell them in that moment
With that in mind, I'll give you a few examples of a time when you should tell them the truth and why when you shouldn't and why.
#1 Example: When You Should Tell Them the Truth
Mom is insisting you tell her the truth about if her husband is dead. What should you do?
Let's go through our checklist:
1.Since she is explicitly asking, chances are she has already suspected that this may be the case.
2. Again since she is explicitly asking, giving her a straight answer would be the kinder thing to do
3. Her reaction to the answer will help you answer this so that in the future, you will know definitively if telling her vs not telling her is the right answer for her
4. Again, since she asked you directly, see how she reacts. Is she going through the grieving process, is she relieved she knows the truth? She is your best guide as to what is right for her in that moment.
#2 Example: When You Shouldn’t Tell Them the Truth
Barbara is insisting she has to go home in order to get to her small kids. What should you do?
Again, let's go through the checklist:
1. To Barbara, she isn't 94 like she is in your reality, she is 30. Also, her kids are 4 and 5 and not in their 70s in her reality.
Telling her "the truth" that they in fact grown and she is in a nursing home is not going to not make sense to her.
2. Telling her "the truth" isn't the kind thing to do because she is distressed about not being able to get to her kids, calming her anxiety in a way she can understand is the kinder thing to do.
3. Telling her something about the kids that make sense in her reality will give her peace again.
4. You can pretty quickly see that she reacts badly when you try to minimize or try to tell her she doesn't have kids doesn't work so giving her an explanation that makes sense to her reality is what works for her in that moment.
So there you have it, the 4 things to keep in mind when deciding how you should respond to your person with dementia:
1. Think about what answer would make the most sense to them in their current reality
2. Think of what is and isn't kind to say to them
3.The answer that will bring them the most peace in that moment
4. To remember that the person is your guide on how much you should or shouldn't tell them in that moment
Try at least 1 of these 4 strategies and see if you can get yourself a win with your loved one or client.
If you do, make sure to comment that win down below and while your at it, join my facebook group and share it with our community as well by clicking the link below.
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