Dementia and Anger (3 Mistakes That Cause It)
Does your loved one or client with dementia's unpredictable anger make caring for them very difficult? Are you tired of getting yelled at, having things thrown at you or even being hit or bitten due to their anger?
In this post, I'll share 3 Common mistakes that could be triggering your loved one or client, exactly what to do and say instead to prevent them from getting angry with you (with examples inspired by real experiences I've had).
Make sure to read to the end to see how to de-escalate if all else fails and they do get angry or agitated.
By the way, when you do get that win, comment it down below so we can celebrate you and while you're at it, join our facebook group so a LOT of us can celebrate you.
Mistake 1: Too Many Words too Fast
Too many words or talking too fast for a dying brain is information overload. For a lot of folks the only way for them to communicate to you that they don't understand what you're saying or that they are embarrassed that they can't keep up is to get upset, yell or strike out.
Example
If you’re trying to get your loved one or client coffee, asking creamer or half and half, brown sugar or no sugar or what kind of coffee cup do you like all in rapid fire succession is going to overwhelm them. I have seen this exact situation play out where the result is coffee getting thrown on the well meaning caregiver.
What to Say & Do Instead:
A simple, "Good Morning, coffee?" will do just fine.
Why This Works:
In the first example, the dementia person's dying brain is trying to process too much at once vs in the second, we have managed to keep things simple and easy to process.
This doesn't mean talking to your loved one or client like a child. Simple means you are taking all the side conversation and cutting it to what they need to know while giving them some time to think and answer you
This way you're setting them and yourself up for success.
Mistake 2: Commanding Instead of Asking
Commanding instead of asking can be very tempting especially with safety and health issues.
However, being told what to do especially by your child, grandchild or someone significantly younger than you can feel humiliating and demoralizing to anyone, especially someone who is already struggling with everyday things.
Example:
Let’s say you notice your Mom’s bed is wet and you need to change the sheet. Saying "Mom, you have to get up out of bed so I can change the sheets" will likely lead to her digging her heels in, screaming or even getting combative.
What to Say & Do Instead:
Saying "Hey Mom, I think your bed is wet, would you mind going down stairs for a bit while I change the bed?” This alone will usually work but let’s just say it doesn’t and she refuses to leave her room.
Replying with a collaborative attitude of , “Ok, maybe you can sit at the table in here while I change the sheets, I'll be quick, since I know you like your bed.” respects her desire to stay in her room AND allows you to get the job done.
Why this works
This approach tends to work better for a few reasons:
1) You get more information about what your mom wants which is to stay in her room. The more you know about your loved one or client's wants/needs the easier it is make it so you both get what you want.
2) By asking you are also giving choices which makes your loved one or client they feel in control. When they are more in control, they are less defensive and them being less defensive means that they will be more willing to compromise vs dig their heels in.
Mistake 3: Your Tone of Voice and Body Language is Frustrated/Angry
Often times, folks with dementia listen to tone of voice and body language more than your words to figure out what’s going on.
If you walk up head on, looking mad and sounding frustrated, they will see you as a threat and defend themselves.
Example:
If you work at a nursing home and need to get a resident up for breakfast, walking in with a frustrated tone and standing directly in front of them saying “Hey, it's time for breakfast ,here, I'll help you get up so you can eat.” will likely lead to fear and refusal from the resident.
What to Say & Do Instead:
Using the same words but with a calm and friendly tone of voice and standing just to the side of them where they can hear you will help build trust and make it more likely that the resident will get up and go with you.
Why this Works:
With a happy clear voice and standing to the side of them, you communicate with your tone and body that you are friendly and not scary.
What if I Do All of This and My Loved One or Client is Still Angry?
Sometimes, despite our best efforts our loved one or client still gets angry and agitated.It could be due to a delusion or fixed belief, hallucination or them not feeling well.
When the approaches above are tried and don't work, there are 2 things you can try:
1st Thing
Hear them out and validate their feelings. Saying something like "That sounds hard. Can I help?" can go a long way
2nd Thing
If that fails as well, it usually means that for whatever reason you are the target of their frustration.
If someone else is there, get that person to help. If you're on your own, put your loved one on the other side of the room, faced away from you if they can't be left alone or leave the room or house if they can to let them cool off.
Conclusion
Most people when caring for a loved one or client with dementia unintentionally do things that might trigger an angry outburst. The most common mistakes are:
1) Too Many Words Too Fast
2) Commanding and not Asking
3) Threatening Tone of Voice and Body Language
However, sometimes, our dementia folk’s anger can’t be prevented. How you deal with this quickly is:
1) Hearing them out and Validating Their Feelings
2) Giving Space and Letting Them Cool Off.
I hope this article was helpful to you. If it was share it with others that may need this information.
Try at least 1 of these methods and see if you can get yourself a win with your loved one or client.
If you do, make sure to comment that win down below and while your at it, join my facebook group and share it with our community as well by clicking the link below.
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